According to Webster’s Dictionary, there are many definitions as to what the word family actually means. Below is the definition of what I believe describes my “family” unit.

“A group of persons of common ancestry : a people or group of peoples regarded as deriving from a common stock”

Today was my family’s annual family reunion in Troy. We spent the weekend in Manhattan with David and Nickie because Nickie and I photographed another wedding. We left there without hardly getting to spend any time with them at all so that we could drive the 2 ½ hours to Troy. We get there and I already felt the tension. I was waiting for one of my family members to say something to me to make me hot.

Instead of being proud that I was doing something with my photography, one of my uncles jumped my ass for not having insurance. He doesn’t realize that is what the contract is for. Then later I was taking pictures of everyone and one of my aunt’s says, “I don’t want these on the internet!” Come on! I may have grown up in the “technology era,” and have a little more experience with computers and stuff like that, but seriously, I wonder if she thinks I am going to broadcast her photos online. Like she means that much to me…

So we left.
I feel cheated. I feel cheated out of time with David, Nickie and the girls to be shit on by my family once again. It never fails. At every family function someone has some smart ass comment to make about me and what I do/ am doing/ want to do… I really hurt. It hurts that they never say they’re proud of me, or that they’re happy for me. They don’t say these mean comments to each other or my cousins. It is just my brother and me. It is breaking down my spirit. And I hurt.

[EDIT] Not every member of my family is like this, just most of them. [/EDIT]

I don’t know if I will even go to any more of my family functions. I don’t need to be around people that make me feel this way. I need to learn that I am better than what they make me feel like and that there are people who love me.

It is so sad, yet refreshing at the same time, that Paul’s family had to take me in because I have no family of my own that honestly gives a damn about me or understands who I am. Just because I am not some cookie cutter, skinny, snobby brat, I get snubbed. Well, I’m done with it. Now don’t get me wrong, my mother and grandmother and a few of my other relatives love me to death, but I can’t stand to be around the others.

And I am so thankful that I have Paul’s family who love me. There is nothing that they wouldn’t do for me. And there isn’t anything that my mom wouldn’t do for Paul. So I can lift a big middle finger to my extended family, because the only people who I need in my life are the ones that want me in theirs.

Other than the drama of family issues, I have been having a hard time lately. I stopped my meds all together because I couldn’t afford to pick them up. I have them now, but you can totally tell the difference. I am a wreck. I hate my job, I hate the people that I work with, I hate my house (well, living 3 floors up with no washer/ dryer hookups), I hate that people don’t believe in my photography.

I am having a lot of issues trusting my friends too. I just don’t know anymore.

I want to pick up and leave. Just me and Paul and really start our life together. Maybe in Colorado or Tennessee or somewhere like Chicago or a quiet town like Cassville. I don’t know…

…I just need to get away.

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I’m so upset. I didn’t think it would hit me this much, but I am very sad. David, Nickie and the girls are moving to Kentucky in less than a month. I wish I’d gone to see them more often. I wish I had more time. I pray that he doesn’t get deployed right away when he gets there. I pray he never gets deployed ever again! Seems like that will not happen though. Just send lots of love and prayers out to our family.

Sad as it is, I think I am losing a friend. She let something really silly get to her and now will not talk to me at all. I haven’t done anything wrong and even appologized for the whole mix up. Alas, I don’t think it is going to work anymore. You can be friends with someone who refuses to talk to you about what is bothering them. I can’t trust someone who can’t trust me enough as her best friend to talk to me about this, yet talk about it/me behind my back to other people. I’m hurt. I hope things work out for her and hopefully, one day she’ll miss me enough to give me a call.

I miss my family. I feel like I never get to see them because we are always with Paul’s family. He doesn’t think so, but it is true. We play games and stuff with Jess, Doug and Dad all the time, but tonight when I asked him if he would play Clue with me and my brother he made up like three different excuses to go home. I don’t understand why I can’t spend time with my brother. I miss him so much, but either HE doesn’t have time for me or we’re fighting or Paul doesn’t want to go to my mom’s.

Maybe I am just being too sentamental.

Had a job interview today. It was my second one with Shelter Insurance, well, Dana. Keep your fingers crossed for me because this would be a GREAT job and close to home! I walked into the garage door tonight. I hit my head pretty hard. I think I’m going to go lie down.

Til next time.

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First of all, I want to mention that I tried something new last night. I used a cookbook for something other than baking. I tried this recipe from Rachel Ray. The balsamic pork chops were the best meat that I have ever made or eatten. And I don’t even like pork. So anyone who wants to try a new recipe, should try it!

Grandma Dorothy had a heart attack on Monday afternoon. She is better now, but the doctor said that with her diabetes it will most likely happen again. So tomorrow they’re going to try to put a stint in. However, that has been known to cause kidney trouble. But her levels have evened out for now, so the risk of that is slim. We just ask for your prayers and thank you for your concern.

I went to see Dr. Nigus today. I really like his practice. He and his staff are very friendly and very patient with someone who has a lot of questions! I got lots of x-rays and have to have my bottom back tooth pulled by Dr. Paollilo and my bottom front tooth needs a root canal by Dr. Walker. So, anyone who wants to donate to the “Melissa needs money” fund, it would be greatly appreciated. My insurance doesn’t cover squat. The pulling will only be a couple hundred and the root canal can be over $2,000. I’m scared. Until then, I’m on anti-biotics and pain killers. Yay!

I really want my photography to go somewhere. It makes me sad that there are very few people who think I can do it. I want to email Jack (McBee) or someone here in town about like an internship to hire thing, but I’m afraid they would laugh at me! I am very passionate about it. Nickie and I are shooting a wedding this weekend, so hopefully I will get some great shots for my portfolio out of that!

I’m excited to see my nieces too. I miss them.

Alison’s dance recital was great! I think that was the best one that I have ever seen.

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“Say” by John Mayer

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all your so called problems
Better put ‘em in quotations

Say what you need to say (x7)
Say what you need to saaaay…

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you’d be better off instead

If you could only
Say what you need to say (x7)
Say what you need to saaay…

Have no fear
For giving in
Have no fear
For giving over
You better know that in the end
It’s better to say too much
Then never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open… wide…

Say what you need to say (x7)
Say what you need to
Say what you need to
Say what you need to say…

And not a moment too soon did I hear this song. Grandma Dorothy is in the hospital. She had a heart attack today. Please offer any prayers to her and our family. God Bless.

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Ok, no really. This weekend was strange.

Friday I had a really bad day at work and thought I was going to just up and walk out and quit, but decided having a roof over my head was more important that my pride. I guess I have to just suck it up. But the funny thing is, some of my friends who have graduated with my same degree this past semester are already finding jobs… in town! What is the deal? Do employers really stoop to the weight level because I have heard that some employers judge applicants on being over-weight. It’s horrible to think about.

Saturday I had to work 8-3. I got off, went to the in-laws and had a little cookout with the fam for Grandma Peg’s birthday. I went to lay down and ended up leaving with horrible tooth pain. Didn’t do much else.

Was supposed to go to Chrissy’s baby shower with Amy today, but I had a little “emergency” at Mom’s that I had to take care of. Then Jessica, Madre and I went to Rosecrans to the commissary and got a whole bunch of stuff for cheap! On the way back we noticed that the river was crazy high and almost flooding Herzog! Then it stormed again tonight! Wow.

Paul and I watched Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade tonight with dinner. It was quite good. I was surprised that I liked it more than The Temple of Doom! He wants to see the new one, but I feel bad because we never went to see Iron Man either. I’m trying to save all of our money for our anniversary trip, which by the way, is in less than 2 weeks! I’m so excited! I’m shooting a wedding in Manahatten with Nickie on the 21st, then we’re heading down to KCK the next day! Can’t wait!

Well, I guess that is enough for tonight. I’m tired and my tooth is throbbing. This weekend was crazy!

P.S. Here are some pics I took this week:

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